mind your language

Learning set for confusion

2009-02-17T08:05:00.003Z

Can't understand a word of this - hopefully someone will...

What on Earth is an action learning set?

Facilitation support for action learning set tender

VONNE is looking for a consultant to provide facilitation support for an action learning set on issues of empowerment and engagement with one of the core delivery group members, the North East Equalities Coalition.

Keep it simple

Will

welcome to hell - well regional sports journalism anyway

2009-01-26T19:11:00.003Z

It's not just policy nerds who love their jargon and meaningless sentences. Sometimes the people who are paid to explain this stuff get lost up in their own lingo.

Tonight's Evening Chronicle - awful rag - contained a column from sports writer John Gibson. Bizarrely, it's called Straight from the Shoulder...

Anyway, tonight's opening sentence was a classic. It read:

United must return to the torture chamber within the next 48 hours to search for the key by which they can escape.

Now, I'm no Newcastle fan - I like my teams to win stuff - but what on Earth does that mean?

If United return to the torture chamber, to get the key, surely that means they've already escaped?

Does the torture chamber refer to the match or something else?

And if it is the match, isn't that kind of an extreme way to describe a football match?

Reminds me of a rather over-the-top features writer I once worked with who described a runner as "Belsen Thin" and when I complained on grounds of good taste told me it was OK because the Sunday Times once used it...

Keep it simple

Will

Think Different

2009-01-02T21:38:00.004Z

At work I have to use an horrendous black box called a Dell.

At home I use a wonderful Macintosh. A sleek white MacBook. You know that I'm a Macintosh nerd. Love them, always have and I always will. They just work.

Now what's this got to do with Plain English? Well nothing, but it has a lot to do with keeping it simple - my other consuming passion.

Today I had to burn some pictures to a compact disk. Unfortunately I had to do it on the Dell.

1. Why on Earth doesn't the CD Rom appear on the Finder - sorry Desktop - when you put it in the machine?

2. Why, when you eventually find the blank disk - hidden away somewhere on the system - and drag it across doesn't it copy the file straight away?

3. Why do you have to then click on another option called write this file to disk? Of course I want to write the file to the disk - why the hell else would I drag the file into it?

4. Why doesn't a simple box pop up telling me that the operation has been successful?

It's infuriating.

Keep it simple (and get a Mac).

Will

dual of death

2008-12-04T15:19:00.002Z

Dual heritage, remember that? (see earlier post). Like a two berth caravan? It's now official, I've just heard it on the BBC.

Now, mixed race sounds awful - that I'll admit. I can understand why that might be offensive to some people. But dual heritage is worse. Much worse. Now it's becoming part of the old Queen's English.

Did anyone ask anyone who is mixed race, dual heritage, or whatever before making up this piece of jargon?

Keep it simple

Will

Gosh what happened

2008-12-01T22:35:00.002Z

Whatever happened to blogging? I'm back. I'm cool and I'm even more surrounded by useless jargon. Reams and reams of the stuff.

Where I work is going through a 'transformation', a process run by people with strange job titles and even stranger ways with words.

I've got so much to say, but I first I need to shout.

Keep it simple.

Will

this message will self destruct...

2007-07-01T16:49:00.000+01:00

The 'War on Terror' gives rise to its own strange jargon.

I'm not playing down the seriousness of the attacks in London and Glasgow this weekend and the bravery of those involved.

Breaking news throughout the day on Friday told us that police had discovered a 'potentially viable explosive device'.

What an horrible piece of language to describe a much uglier act.

But does the police's reluctance to use the word 'bomb' revolve around a technicality or is it a way of making the threat seem more real by coating it in the language of officialdom?

Keep it simple

W

people are news and news is people

2007-06-17T21:16:00.000+01:00

That was the first thing I was taught in journalism school and probably, next to a smattering of shorthand and an ability to touch type, the only thing I remembered.

Its a simple maxim, always put people at the heart of any story you do. If you're writing about a gas pipeline - write not about the logistics of laying it but about the hapless householders whose back gardens are about to become a building site.

Even hacks on the dullest trade journal should look to put people at the heart of their stories - a tough ask if you work for Estates Gazette or Gravel Now.

I'm not a staff journalist any more, I've gone over to what my ex-colleagues call The Dark Side. I now help third sector clients gain coverage in regional, national and specialist media.

But the news is people and people are news maxim still holds true for me.

I spend a great deal of time with clients finding great human interest case studies to sell in to journalists. I want people who can vouch for the fact that their lives have been changed for the better by my clients.

I know some charity PRs are unhappy with what they call the Tyranny of the Case Study.

And I understand. It can be difficult to find that Libran single mother, with a mixed race child and a missing limb at 4.30pm on a Friday afternoon.

And isn't it great when you meet that deadline, only to find that there's been an government resignation/Big Brother eviction/inexplicable change of mind that makes your case study surplus to requirements?

It is easy to be cynical, but I've done work in the education sector and dug up some remarkable stories that would have your average features editor cartwheeling around the newsroom with joy.

There was the pensioner who used her degree to set up a sexual abuse survivors network, the ME sufferer who became a BBC weather presenter after studying environmental science and the former New Romantic pop star who journeyed into space thanks to his degree in Aeronautics.

I made that last one up, but you get the picture. You're always looking for the kind of stories you would want to read about.

Case studies are tough to get and take a little bit of managing and updating but the pay off in terms of great positive coverage is fantastic.

And in terms of media relations, it is the perfect deal. The journalist gets that human interest story of tears, heartache and triumph over adversity and you get that shameless plug for your otherwise rather worthy but dull event.

It's true, people are news and news is people.

Keep it simple.

Will

know any unemployed freedom-fighters?

2007-05-16T14:29:00.000+01:00

I've just seen the following ad posted on a website. If you know anyone who fits the description - please let me know.

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Keep it simple, just like Lewis Hamilton at the first corner.

Will

Writer required.

Must have a life time's experience of religion, politics and philosophy, including; exploitation, censorship, blacklisting, commercialism, death threats and jumping through hoops.
A comprehensive knowledge of capitalism, Thatcherism, the cold war and Labour movement would be advantageous. As would an awareness of the Middle East conflict.
Experience of state terror, propaganda, war or freedom fighting essential.
An understanding of the global situation, good communication skills and
vision for the future a benefit, as is commitment, poverty and a good relationship with god (sic).
Minimum two years experience of theatre and a degree required. Arts Council funding waiting.

have i joined the dark side?

2007-05-05T13:28:00.000+01:00

Got myself a gig assessing applications for an organisation that hands out money to young media-makers.

It's all good cuddly stuff. Or it should be...once you've waded through the horrendously complex form.

And yes, I know it's public money, but I end up feeling sorry for the poor sods who have to battle through the form and produce everything in triplicate.

And here are three choice pieces of jargon I've encountered during my new project.

Upskilling - Learning (I think)

Skills Transfer - (That'll be learning again, I think)

Community cohesion and engagement (Ah, that old favourite 'engagement')

So I'm knee-deep in public sector speak at the moment, perhaps I'll secure a positive outcome by integrating myself with the prevailing cultural environment.

Only joking.

Keep it simple, just like Wayne's winner against AC Milan.

Will

do you buy the buy-in?

2006-12-28T20:40:00.000Z

It is sale season and, to misquote the King, there's a whole lot of spendin' going on.

And all that buying reminds me of one of the most obnoxious of office phrases, buy-in. (nice link).

To get or achieve buy-in, means to get someone to agree with what you are doing.

You might hear: "Before I launch this project, I need to get buy-in from my boss".

Terrible.

Business Link have sent me a calendar, called an Illustrated Guide to Office Jargon, it's enough to make plain English groupies like me wake up in a cold sweat.

Among the worst examples:

Low Hanging Fruit, Joined Up Thinking, and that old favourite Thinking Outside the Box.

There are handy definitions included in the calendar - so now I finally know what these people are talking about.

Remember, keep it simple. Just like the King himself during his Comeback Special.

Will

don't want to sound like the daily mail, but...

2006-10-20T20:54:00.000+01:00

Tonight's news contained details of an horrific attack on a school teacher in Bristol.

When asked to describe the suspect, an investigating officer said he was of 'dual heritage'.

This presumably means mixed race. To me, dual heritage sounds like a brand of two berth caravan.

I know he's been on his diversity training course, and doubtless he's learned some fancy new words - but really do we need to hear them?

Who else would use 'dual heritage' outside of a race-relations think tank?

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Keep it simple.

Will

things can only get better

2006-09-30T10:50:00.000+01:00

Oh no, the curse of "best practice".

It's a Blairite favourite that's spread into the general vocabulary. Patricia Hewitt can't do an interview without talking about BP in some aspect of our health service.

And its not only hospitals. It is applied by the Government to everything from school dinners to personal hygiene.

What does BP actually mean? I suppose it means er...best. The best example of current thinking.

Coming soon, some examples of best practice in plain English...

Keep it simple.

Will

a lightbulb moment

2006-09-24T10:38:00.000+01:00

Oh dear, Saturday morning in a certain Scandinavian furniture retailer.

A stressful-enough experience, but made worse by a horrible piece of jargon.

In the lighting department we picked a lamp and then looked for a bulb to fit it. Only it isn't a bulb any more - it's now a "light source".

Apparently, light sources come in screw-in and plug-in varieties and we needed a 40 watt one. Not very illuminating.

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Will

does anyone understand what gordy is talking about?

2006-08-29T20:16:00.000+01:00

Oh Gordon, you may be the next Prime Minister but you don't half complicate things.

Recently, like many people in Britain I've been trying to fill in a tax credits form...

There are two types of tax credit. Working Families tax credit and Child Tax Credit.

That's where the simple stuff stops.

Nowhere in the pages of forms we've been sent does it explain what exactly is a tax credit or why the Government thinks they are such a good idea.

And of course, the form itself is close to unintelligible.

"A child element may be paid for a child from birth until the day before September 1 following their 16th birthday. A single baby element is paid if at least one child is under the age of one.."

"A child element may also be paid for 20 weeks after a young person leaves full-time education provided they are still under 18 and registered for work..."

If nice middle class lads like me can't understand the forms, what hope for single Mums in grotty estates?

Anyone would think that the forms were deliberately complicated to stop people claiming cash from a Government that's far too busy attacking civil liberties - everything from hunting to smoking - and coming up with jargon-filled nanny state initiatives.

Does anyone understand what these people are talking about?

Keep it simple.

Will

you couldn't make it up

2006-08-17T12:37:00.000+01:00

Newcastle City Council is denying allegations that it has told employees not to use words like "pet" and "hinny".

It claims these words are offensive. Surprise, surprise, workers were allegedly told about the new rules during an "equality and diversity" seminar.

The rumoured initiative seems a bit rich coming from a council that is guilty of far more serious crimes against the English language - see my earlier post 'touchdown for jargon'.

Newcastle City Council has that nasty habit of constantly alienating itself from the people who pay the council tax bills by using language that only public policy wonks can understand.

It is amazing that given Newcastle's variety of social and economic problems - taken a walk around the West End recently? - Newcastle City Council staff have time to attend such events and the council sees such language as a problem.

Remember, keep it simple - like Murray in straight sets against Federer.

Will

er...so what exactly do you do...

2006-07-28T15:02:00.000+01:00

I found this on the internet.

Nonsense in bold.

The agency is:

A central hub - a port of call for advice about audience development needs, information, ideas, best practice and available research
A locus for national and local market data and intelligence, for manipulating it and promoting/supporting its practical application and usage for identifying research/intelligence needs, commissioning and managing research activity and providing affordable basic research tools and expertise
A mechanism for bringing organisations together to identify shared needs and to develop and oversee the delivery of collaborative networks and interventions A provider (direct and indirect) of tactical marketing support services, which achieve economies of scale and increased effectiveness through collaboration.

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Keep it simple

Will

attention public sector administrators (part two)

2006-07-14T21:50:00.000+01:00

This is a hub. A hub is part of a wheel. I was once told I lived near a rural hub - this is nonsense.

This is a path. Its something you walk along. You use the word pathway, as in pathway to learning, growth etc. This is also nonsense.

Finally, this is a shop. You buy things in a shop. A one-stop-shop is not a shop, because it doesn't sell anything. It only contains bored council workers dispensing out-of-date information.

Remember, keep it simple.

Will

hold the source, going forward

2006-06-01T20:01:00.000+01:00

What is it with "going forward" used to mean "in the future"? It now seems NORMAL people are using it.

Today, on the radio, someone said that an England football player would recover from his injuries "going forward".

And I'm noticing the dreaded "source" - which means "to find" is popping up in newspapers I read from time to time.

The other day, it was on the back of a packet of nuts - telling me they were "sourced" from some South American junta state. Great.

Reminds me of a time in my previous life - God Bless that semi-autonomous government agency - when someone asked me where they could "source" some water.

How I wish I'd pointed downwards towards the nearest storm drain...but you always think of those things afterwards don't you?

Remember, keep it simple..just like Brazil in 1970.

Yours

Will

what would woodie guthrie have said?

2006-04-27T18:21:00.000+01:00

Britain wasn't working in the late 1970s.

Now the people in Mr Saatchi's famous poster would be described as, and I kid you not, "workless".

Yes, according to my copy of a new growth strategy - which should provide years of material for this blog - worklessness is the new unemployment.

Unemployment, not having a job, being on the dole, has been rebranded into something softer and cuddlier. About time too.

I have to stop writing now, I'm suffering from timelessness and I've got to make the supper or we'll all get foodlessness. And then its bedtime or we'll have sleeplessness.

I could go on...but I won't.

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Will

touchdown for jargon

2006-04-13T17:45:00.000+01:00

Remember Scarborough Borough Council's use of the word "corporateness"? If not, see post - it is a corporate world.

Now pesky Newcastle City Council has been at it.

Private Eye tells me that Kenton's new customer service centre - yes, council tax payers are still customers - features something called a "corporate touchdown space".

The local ward councillor asked what on earth that might mean and was told that it was in fact an...office.

Who dreams this stuff up? Does anyone know what these people are talking about? And why are we paying their wages?

Remember keep it simple.

Will

does exactly what it says on the tin

2006-03-15T17:22:00.000Z

Isn't it great to see a business that hasn't given itself a silly corporate name?

It shames offenders like Consignia (Post Office), Thus (Scottish Power) and Centrica (British Gas).

Keep it simple

Will

it's a bit of a puzzle

2006-03-05T17:59:00.000Z

(following text taken from Private Eye's Pseuds Corner)

Dear Head Teacher

Extension of the Provider Gateway

I am writing to inform you about the extension of the Provider Gateway to new groups of providers and the introduction of the value added (VA)/distance travelled (DT) data on the Learner Achievement Tracker (LAT). We are aiming for this to take place within the next ten working days and user-approvers will be informed once the Gateway is live together with information about how to access the Gateway. I will ask user-approvers to inform the heads of their respective organisations when the Gateway goes live...The extension will also include the delivery of the LAT through the Gateway which will provide value added - except for schools - distance travelled data for 16-19 year-olds...

Letter from Paul Martinez, group manager, New Measures of Success, Provider Gateway.

http://www.private-eye.co.uk

Keep it simple

Will

photo © Kimmo Palosaari for openphoto.net CC:PublicDomain

public or private

2006-02-19T15:43:00.000Z

Who is the worst when it comes to talking nonsense? Private or public sector?

I used to work for British Telecom in the 1990s and believe me, they made my later experience in the land of semi-autonomous government agencies look the Plain English Society.

At the time BT had a selection of silly ideas including a set of corporate values. A set of long-winded paragraphs full of jargon that basically said our only aim in life was to make money for BT and its shareholders.

If anyone remembers what these corporate values were, please get in touch.

My main objection with the lovely public sector is that it is full of people who should be accountable to us (the taxpayer) but who use language that either doesn't make sense or tries to disguise the fact that they, erm, don't do a great deal.

And while doing that they bang on about diversity and accessibility.

So which is worse? Well, I think the public sector just edges it.

Keep it simple.

Will

attention public sector administrators

2006-01-28T23:18:00.000Z

The above picture is what is known as a toolkit.

A toolkit is a collection of hammers, screwdrivers and other useful things.

It is not an a bunch of documents drawn up by people like you to help film festivals in Hemel Hempstead break even.

Got it?

And another thing. Anyone who uses the word "workshop" who doesn't work in light engineering is a....

As Elizabeth David once said about French cooking...Keep it simple

Will

anyone got spare capacity?

2006-01-22T15:58:00.000Z

photo; Alex Gonzalez for openphoto.net CC:Attribution

Capacity. As I get busier I am often asked about my capacity. Can I do this piece of work in March, depending on my capacity? My capacity for what and does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Capacity = spare time.

Capacity also makes me think of batteries and they make me think of toy robots - hence the open-sourced picture above.

Keep it simple.

Will

it is a corporate world

2006-01-06T21:16:00.000Z

Another year and another terrible mangling of the English language.

A damning report into a Scarbrough Council's disastrous plan to build a sea wall in the town tells of errors, complacency and a lack of "corporateness" on behalf of council officers.

Corporateness - a nasty and rather baffling piece of jargon if ever I heard one. Is it something to do with loyalty and responsibility to an employer?

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

I wonder how I, as someone who is self employed, could be guilty of a lack of corporateness.

Perhaps I wouldn't tidy my office, do the washing up, or open my lap top. Perhaps I'd put out of office reply on my emails, go for long walks or drop my mobile in the River Tyne.

Sounds rather fun.

Keep it simple.

Will

if they don't know, how are you supposed to?

2005-12-12T15:06:00.000Z

I'm afraid that some of the people who confuse us with their language are often confused themselves.

For example, in my old life, culture became a bit of a buzz word. But the definition of what it actually meant kept shifting, thus resulting in all sorts of confusion.

I'm aware of interminable discussions centering around whether health was part of culture, or culture part of health.

And if you think that's baffling, I waited two years for an adequate description of something called media literacy. I asked three times and each time got more confused.

However, I did receive one explanation - media literacy is what allows media studies teachers and others with far too little to do to attend conferences once or twice a year where they can talk about...erm...what media literacy actually means.

And don't get me started on diversity. Diversity is like equal opportunities, but its not. In fact its something completely different.

And soon it emerged that just about everyone and everything could be included in the term diverse groups. The young, the old, the ill, wheelchair users, young offenders, milkmen, television presenters, priests, shepherds, etc.

With all that navel-gazing, why it left hardly any time to any real work at all...

Keep it simple

Will

the advancement of the...eh?

2005-12-06T22:41:00.000Z

That's my boy!

What is it about job adverts and terrible jargon?

In my past life I saw an advert for a new chief executive. It said the job was being advertised following...

The advancement of the founding postholder.

Christ knows what that means. It was so awful I complained, only to be told that my comments would be passed to the recruitment agency who, at great expense, wrote the advert.

And this week I see a job - sorry, vacancy - for an interpretive co-ordinator.

The ad, by some Government quango, says the ideal candidate should ensure the successful delivery - that word again - of the interpretation plan.

But nowhere in the entire ad does it describe what on Earth an interpretive co-ordinator might do or what they look after.

I'm thinking signs or maps, but that's a wild guess.

Does anyone know what these people are talking about?

Keep it nice and simple.

Will

ownership

2005-12-02T13:09:00.000Z

Lets get something straight, the only way you can own something is if you've bought it in a shop.

Today, I see a job advert which states that the successful applicant will work with various (web) site "owners".

In my previous life, people went big on "ownership" and they also went big on something called "buy-in".

Whenever we came up with an idea, we had to encourage buy-in from other people.

And of course, if you got buy-in, you got ownership - which brings us right back to where we started.

The job advert goes on to say that the successful candidate will have to "repurpose existing content".

Repurpose, there's an horrendous misuse of the English language I haven't come across before. I think it must mean change or edit.

Keep it simple.

Will

going where?

2005-11-29T05:15:00.000Z

This morning, I rise from my slumbers to hear a radio interview with some businessman.

The interviewer asks him what the situation is like "going forward".

Apart from sounding like the title of a Christian boy band, it just sounds plain bad.

"Going forward, into the second quarter, we see earnings increase by..."

And while we're on the subject of increases - in my old public sector life, people started to use an awful word - "uplift"

As in "We envisage an uplift in our funding over the next four years".

In this context uplift means "get more" or even "increase", but for some reason these people have to invent a new, baffling and ugly word for it.

Uplift sounds like something you might require from a bra.

Keep it simple.

Will

the man who sells the sandwiches

2005-11-24T07:40:00.000Z

Just arrived back from a train trip to the Midlands to see a client.

It was a relatively painless journey until bloke running the buffet car introduced himself over the Tannoy as the "retail services manager".

He's probably been told to "deliver" retail services to the passengers.

I was confronted with the cursed word "delivery" at one other point during the day. It seems that nowadays everyone delivers something. In fact they don't have do deliver something concrete, they can just deliver an idea - sorry a "concept".

In my life the only people that deliver are my postman and my milkman.

Keep it simple.

Will

literacy and what?

2005-11-20T00:47:00.000Z

Literacy and Numeracy

Last week I asked my daughter which subjects she liked at school. She paused before telling me that she enjoyed something called numeracy. She's only six years old!

Literacy - I assume this is what we used to call English. You know, reading and writing.

Numeracy - Erm, maths?

What next..?

non-contemporary events - history

culture and landmass - geography

competitive and non competitive physical exertion within a structured and formalised setting - PE

And another thing, Literacy is a noun that means the ability to read and write and I couldn't even find numeracy in the damned dictionary!

Will

OK, lets go..

2005-11-15T16:36:00.000Z

A plea for simplicity...to rediscover what plain English can do.

I've just spent two years working in the public sector dealing with a baffling array of language. Nouns that became verbs and then swapped back again, strange new isms, using at least four or five words where one is quite sufficient.

I always found it amazing that organisations that waffled on about something called diversity and inclusion - don't ask - used language that the average Joe couldn't understand.

Even worse, they expected me to write that stuff too.

So this is an occasional blog, dedicated to the plain daft as well as the frustrating. Like the woman who once asked me where she could "source" some water - I should have pointed to the ground, or the time that I learned that I lived near something called a "rural hub".

Every so often I'll give you some bits of jargon, together with their plain English equivalent. Or I'll just rant. We'll see what happens. Send me your own examples. Together we might just make the world a simpler and better place.

Will